Random Thoughts of the Day

Today is one of those days where I seem to have a lot on my mind but it's all jarbled. I can't seem to make sense of most of it.

I've decided that I don't really like who I've become. I've become this sad, run down, bitchy woman. I've been trying to fix some of it...medication and whatnot, but I'm not entirely sure that it's helping all that much. Sometimes I think I feel it helping...like I feel myself about to freak out about something...I can feel it building up and then I just stop before the actual freak out. Which is a good thing. But...I'm still so sad all of the time.

I also miss people. I belonged to this great group full of great women. We all talked everyday, laughed together, cried together.... And then...I quit. I left the group because some people made me feel like certain things were more important and that I didn't have time for other things. I let people get into my head too much. And now, I feel like I've lost all of those friends. I miss them. I really do and I have no idea how to fix it. I'm lonely.

Because of the occupation that I have, I feel as if I don't have the patience to deal with my own children. I lose my temper far too quickly with them. I also just want to sit around when I get home. I feel like I'm failing them. I should be teaching my boys how to do things, doing more activities with them...but I'm just so tired and worn out by the time I get home, I don't want to do anything. *sigh* Epic Motherhood FAIL.

Writing is something that I truly enjoy. It's something all my own. But lately, I've been doubting myself like crazy. I've been told so many things that I do wrong by so many people, it's really getting to me. I keep second guessing myself, thinking that I'm not good enough. It hurts so much, it makes my chest ache. I'll figure it out though...hopefully.

I'm just hurting today in more ways than one. So yeah...bitch post over.

I'm coming back! Hopefully....

I really want to get back into blogging...not that I'm sure anyone reads this junk. But for some reason, I think that having a place to post any insipid feeling that I have might be a good thing. I can be myself here...not the person people expect me to be. If I want to toot my own horn about something, I can and no one will judge me for it.

I suppose I'm hoping for this blog to become a place that I enjoy going to. Something I can be proud of. I'll try not to bitch so much if I can...which is nearly impossible sometimes. I'd rather post things I'm proud of...such as fantastic pictures I've taken or an awesome meal I've created.

I'm hoping this can build me up when life gets me down. We'll see....

Ugh!!

I am super frustrated with myself. I'm a week into this diet and I want to quit. Give up. The End. No mas. I was doing so well...I really was! But today, I just threw caution to the wind and ate what I wanted and it felt frigging fabulous. Now...I feel guilty, but it's still not enough to make me want to stop snacking.

I seriously have no will power. I'm just uber mad at myself. Why can't I just stick to it? AHHHH!!!!!!!!! Yup, that's all I really have to say about that.

*screaming, pulling hair out, stomping my foot like a little girl*

Bitchfest

I feel a desperate need to bitch today, so this will all probably sound like I'm whining and complaining, and to that I say...deal with it or don't read.

I miss writing. A LOT. I used to write RPG things all of the time, I loved it, I really did. But due to some stupid circumstances, I haven't been able to do that anymore. There was a certain person that put down my ideas, my characters, and anything I did so badly that it has made me unable to get any new ideas. I feel as if my creativity has been completely sucked out of me. I can't get an idea for a storyline, a character...anything...NOTHING. This frustrates me to no end. Writing was my outlet...the one thing that was mine. Somewhere I could go where it was just for me. Something that wasn't my husband or my kids. Yes, when I wrote, I escaped into my character's world and yes, my real life was still waiting for me when I was done, but at least I had that for a little while. And now that it's gone...what do I have left that's just for me?

Second bitch of the day...my life. My car, my job, my relationship with certain people...SUCK. I've said many times that I know that my situation could be worse, like a bajillion times worse...I understand that. But there has to be more. And how do I find this elusive "more"? Can someone clue me in on that one?

Third bitch...DIETING SUCKS! Ok, well, this part isn't so much of a bitch...I just miss chocolate. I'm currently on Day 3 of my diet and I'm doing quite well. I need to work in some more exercise though. I'm tired of being, well, me. I want/need to get healthy, so I'm really hoping this will work for me. Oh, cooking...I miss chocolate and cooking. I mean, I guess I could cook, but that means having to cook two different meals. One for all the freaking dudes in my house and one for me. And seriously? Who feels like doing that? BLAH!

Fourth bitch...my own children are still treating me like crap. Goodie.

So that's it. The first blog I've written in a while and it's a bitchfest...oh freaking well.

Hmm....

I don't really know how to describe today. Work wasn't so bad, fairly easy, and the day included a lot of music. After being home sick from work for three and a half days, coming back...I actually got that "wanted" feeling that I so often search for. There were kids that missed me, really and truly missed me.

My own children on the other hand...that is a completely different story. All they do is demand things from me, whine at me, tell me they hate me...and they're not even teenagers yet. I swear somewhere along the way I had taught them manners and respect. Why do they treat me like this? That term "doormat" comes to mind once more.

So basically, today started out alright, not great, but decent. And today, ended like crap. It's getting harder and harder to care.

Blue

As selfish as it may sound, I have a basic want that rarely gets fufilled. I want to feel like I matter. I am what is known as a doormat...people tend to walk all over me and only talk to me when they need something from me. And I always do it, that's the thing. Some would tell me to stop, but I simply can't. I know it sucks, but it makes me feel important, like someone actually wants me around, wants to talk to me, wants to be with me. ME...myself...not just what I can do or what I can give them.

When did I become so disposable?

Blue font for my blue mood....

The Recap

I started off this blog a few minutes ago, had it all set up, was happy with the way it sounded. Then what happened you ask? One tiny error on my part caused me to lose the entire thing. Such is the story of my life. So now, I'll try to do this re-cap, but now, it might be a bit more snarky than I had originally intended. Here we go....

Today is Sunday, January 31, 2010. I'm 26 years old, married, have two little boys, live in a small-ass podunk town, work part-time, have a few friends that I hold dear, and am unhappy with my life. I'm not where I intended to be. Who is really? Is there anyone that's just truly happy with every aspect of their life? Probably not, but there's got to be something that should make me excited to get out of bed in the morning. I'm tired of just going through the motions.

I should be happy, I'm well aware that my life could be worse. I got married young, got pregnant with my first son even younger, and never was able to finish college. I love my husband, love my kids, sort of like my job...but there's got to be more than this. Along the way somehow, I've lost myself.

Why am I writing this do you ask? Why am I bothering? Somehow, I wonder if I write what I'm feeling, the random things that happen to me...maybe I'll find the humor, the happiness in my life. Do I think anyone will read this? Probably not. But at least it will be here, right?

Hopefully along the way here, I'll be able to bring myself back.